Dear Matthew, Mark or Luke

I am afraid to say I do not know which one of you wrote the book about Jesus going up to space after he got killed and put in the tomb. I hadn't heard of this until today because stupid British Christians don’t even celebrate. But luckily the African ones do, and they told me. So, I have some questions:

1. WHY on earth (or heaven, whatever) do we celebrate Jesus being murdered, but not the ascension to space/heaven?

2. Why are African Christians different to British ones?

3. Is the song ‘Ascension’ by Maxwell about Jesus? If it is I totally don’t get it.

4. Whatever happened to Maxwell?

If I had been ‘alive’ when Jesus was – like you three – I would have put a bit more thought into this story, because it obviously sounded really dull because no one ever talks about it.

This is a really good picture of it – did one of you draw it? Why is the man in the blue dress trying to look up Jesus’s skirt? And why is he wearing a sheet? Was he wrapped in a duvet in the tomb? Why didn't you dress him in a suit, like normal people do?

I think if he was dressed a bit like this there would be even more Christians. Because some people are probably put off by his hair and dress. He didn't look dynamic enough. But since there are no actual photos of him maybe we could just change what he looked like and probably make him look a bit less homeless and a bit more like Barack Obama. The Christians would really like that I think.

I look forward to your response (but please coordinate your answers as I don’t want to read the same thing three times. Again.)

I am going listen to the Maxwell song about Jesus.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. Please can you tell me what Ascension actually means