Dear Matthew, Mark or Luke

I am afraid to say I do not know which one of you wrote the book about Jesus going up to space after he got killed and put in the tomb. I hadn't heard of this until today because stupid British Christians don’t even celebrate. But luckily the African ones do, and they told me. So, I have some questions:

1. WHY on earth (or heaven, whatever) do we celebrate Jesus being murdered, but not the ascension to space/heaven?

2. Why are African Christians different to British ones?

3. Is the song ‘Ascension’ by Maxwell about Jesus? If it is I totally don’t get it.

4. Whatever happened to Maxwell?

If I had been ‘alive’ when Jesus was – like you three – I would have put a bit more thought into this story, because it obviously sounded really dull because no one ever talks about it.

This is a really good picture of it – did one of you draw it? Why is the man in the blue dress trying to look up Jesus’s skirt? And why is he wearing a sheet? Was he wrapped in a duvet in the tomb? Why didn't you dress him in a suit, like normal people do?

I think if he was dressed a bit like this there would be even more Christians. Because some people are probably put off by his hair and dress. He didn't look dynamic enough. But since there are no actual photos of him maybe we could just change what he looked like and probably make him look a bit less homeless and a bit more like Barack Obama. The Christians would really like that I think.

I look forward to your response (but please coordinate your answers as I don’t want to read the same thing three times. Again.)

I am going listen to the Maxwell song about Jesus.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. Please can you tell me what Ascension actually means

Dear Big Fat Americans

I recently happened upon the 'deep south', I don't know why it is called that, it did not look deep, it look flat and dusty. Anyway, I have a few questions:

Why does everyone wear cowboy hats? It does not seem like a very efficient kind of hat. For example, if you are in a crowded bar you could get hit in the bearhead with many a cowboy hat. Also, if it rains doesn't rain water get trapped in the brim? Although maybe that is the point, I suppose in the desert you need all the water you can carry.

Another thing I thought was weird, was that men wear cowboy boots which have heels on them... from what I understand of the men in the deep south they have no time for cross dressing or any of that kind of nonsense. I actually got called a hippy while I was there! I knew I should have left my Donovan t shirt at home. Anyway, with such extreme views on the world I find it interesting that men claiming to be cowboys get to wear heels, an alarming amount of leather topped off with a billion rhinestones. In London we call that a drag act.

In Dallas airport we had to get a train to our gate - in England they just make you walk, I don't know if I think this is because the government are mean or so that we don't all get big and fat like Americans. That being said I didn't see too many giant fat people which was a shame, I was hoping to see at least one person being airlifted out of their house. I also didn't see any trailer parks or members of the KKK, all in all it was quite a disappointing trip.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. If you live in a trailer park I would be delighted to accept an invitation to a roadkill bbq on my next trip!

Dear Nokia Wankers

Ever since you released that advert with the Blind Photographer I have been meaning to write to you. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for equal rights (there is no ‘Bearhead’ option on equal opportunities forms btw) but surely taking a picture when you cannot see it is pointless. It’s like pouring yourself a glass of wine and then throwing it down yourself. 

So, in this advert, the ‘photographer’ says he can tell the shot of the rollercoaster is right because he can hear the noise, presumably he was stoody UNDERNEATH the rollercoaster, so irrespective of where he was pointing his goddamn camera he’d be able to hear the noise right? Also, who checks them for him, because you could argue (and you would be right) that the person checking the photographs is the one with the eye (no pun intended). 

I could happily stomp around with my eyes closed randomly pointing my phone at things and then someone else could check them and delete all the ones that were of my foot or a wall – THIS IS NOT BEING A PHOTOGRAPHER. Also, it reminds me of being drunk (a bit like being blind) and then editing (deleting) the god-awful photographs I have taken the next day.

Wow, what an excellent picture of the inside of your car.

My bearhead friend said that he has a similar problem with deaf rappers, which I kind of understand, but if you can talk then you can rap, so the problem does not entirely lie with being deaf, the problem with being blind is that you can NEVER EVER SEE. Seriously – A BLIND PHOTOGRAPHER!??! What. The. Fuck.

Did you know the shot was right because you could hear the traffic? SCREW YOU BLIND PHOTOGRAPHER!

Nokia – please sort this out, cos it’s just fucking stupid. Also, please do not take deaf rapping idea as inspiration.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. If you would like me to get hammered and take photographs with my eyes closed in your next advert I would be delighted (cost: £10,000 + expenses)


Pps. Please can I have a signed photograph by the blind photographer.

Dear Rupert Murdoch

I have a few questions about the hacking thingy.

1. Why is it called hacking? If you have a hacking cough it’s dead loud and intrusive and makes you want to punch the person coughing in the face. I think that’s why you hit people on the back when they are coughing – not to help them, but cos they are really pissing you off. And as I understand it when you hack someone’s phone line they are not meant to know? Is that right? Well you’ve ballsed up there haven’t you! What I think you should have done is employed former secret service agents – preferably ones that were sacked for some kind of misconduct – they would have done a much better job than the News of the World staff.

2. Is your wife a disgraced secret service agent? Because she has the reflexes of a ninja. When that man ‘attacked’ you with a plate of cream she was up like a shot! That was my favourite part of the show.

3. Has your son has loads of fan mail since the enquiry? I have heard rumours that people find him attractive! Personally I think that Keith Vaz was the rose amongst that bunch of old wrinkly thorns. Look at his lovely face!

 

 4. I googled hacking and it also means ‘pleasure riding: horseback riding for purely recreational purposes’ – which sounds a bit disturbing – and it says a show horse is a show hack. So does hack just mean horse? If you ask me this is ridiculous and a complete waste of my time. Why the fuck would you call a horse a hack?! If you had been contemplating these pertinent issues in the NOTW instead of hacking into dead babies emails then you wouldn’t be in this mess would you.

5. I often wonder why people continued to trust you after you invited David Cameron onto your yacht and didn’t even push him off! You could have made it look like an accident – like in the film ‘Donkey Punch’ – have you see it? It’s really good.

6. What is happening with your leg in this picture?

 

I look forward to your answers. Well... I won’t hold my breath.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. Do you know if Keith Vaz is single?

Pps. Your wife is fit.

Dear Jack Horner

Firstly, when you were little (or maybe even now) do people say this to you: Little Jack Horner, sat in the corner, eating a Christmas pie; He put in his thumb, and pulled out a plum and said 'What a good boy am I’. I hope not, because it makes absolutely no sense and that Jack Horner sounds like a dick.

You, on the other hand, sound like my kind of guy. I also have dedicated my life to building a dinosaur, and also concluded that there is no dinosaur DNA knocking about. Whilst I applaud your efforts in genetically modifying chickens I’m not sure this is the answer. Chickens are dicks and have clearly not evolved from dinosaurs in a good way. I mean, I understand what evolution means and I guess there is a reason that non avian dinosaurs died out, but the reason that chickens survived was probably not due to the fact that they are genetically superior, but because they are so shit that they went under the radar and didn’t even notice all their mates were dying out. They have no skills.

Other evolutionary balls ups include:

The sea pig

 The hairy frog (I just vomited in my mouth btw)

The blob fish

Penis face monkey (not official name)

So I think you should carry on looking for dinosaur DNA – I am hereby offering my services for free (as long as you buy me food, clothes, wine and pay for my first class travel) in exchange for 50% of the profits when we build and sell dinosaurs.

I don’t mind if you make a chickenosaurus in the mean time – we can do experiments on it, but the name is too boring, I suggest we call it a Cyclopops.

I look forward to your speedy response.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. I know that you were a technical advisor in the documentary series Jurassic Park and I thought you might like to know that Richard Attenborough is on my dinosaur team and I’m sure he would also be happy to join our Cyclopops task force.

Dear the Queen

Firstly I’d just like to say I really enjoyed the wedding. Any excuse to start drinking at 11am without being outcast by your peers works for me. And to be honest I was still drunk when I woke up so it worked out for the best.

I particularly liked the bit where Harry and Will were stood at front and Harry was telling Will that he’d definitely give Kate one. She did look good though, just not as good as Pippa... but I don’t suppose being attractive has much to do with being Queen (no offence).

I heard that your favourite activity when you go to Balmoral is to catch bats in a net – is that true? I really like bats, I wouldn’t mind doing some bat catching myself. I also heard that when you get mad you put lipstick on, I heard this from someone who drank from your wine glass by accident whilst sitting next to you, then you put your lipstick on. The next day he read it in the daily mail so it must be true. To be honest, I think that’s very restrained, I would have punched him.

If I was in the royal family and getting married I would have a sceptre and a crown, or maybe just a sceptre. With loads of diamonds in it. I might get one of those anyway. It would look awesome, and I could hit people with it who were in my way. I bet you do that.

So, you know these injunctions in the press, have the royal family ever had one? Because, with the shit that you do that IS in the papers, I cannot even begin to comprehend what might be deemed TOO AWFUL to be left out. I think I would have got the cheque book out when Harry dressed as a Nazi. Although that was pretty funny.

Anyway, I hope you are keeping well.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. Please give me a call if you need someone to hunt bats with.

Pps. Also please post me a sceptre.

Dear people who schedule TV

I was watching that TV series ‘The News’ the other day and I just wasn't following, so I have a few questions please.

You know the character ‘Gaddafi’, well I just don’t think he’s that believable, I mean what is he wearing for a start? And also if you ran a country you would be called something higher than Colonel right? Like King maybe? King Colonel Gaddafi. That sounds better. If I took over the world I wouldn’t be called Prince Bearhead would I?! KING BEARHEAD!

The other characters who confuse me are David Cameron and Nick Clegg, I mean, they don’t even seem like they are real friends. And why do they dress the same? And why does Nick Clegg always look like he wants to top himself? Are they played by Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse? And was Gordon Brown killed off? I missed that one.

Another thing is this Middle East place – firstly that’s a weird name, is it meant to be like middle earth? Anyway, it just sounds awful! Why do people keep going there! And why does no one seem to be in control? I just cannot see where this storyline is going to be honest. It’s bonkers. You should send some more well known people there to jazz it up, maybe some wrestlers, like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock – they are making a comeback! I think some guest appearances for a WWE ‘Middle East’ tour would go down a storm.

Finally, I find the love interest a bit dull. Where is the drama with Prince William and Kate? I hope you’re planning something awful for the wedding day, maybe Harry will ruin it or her ex will turn up and she’ll run off at the last minute, or that mental old person that appears sometimes (is he care in the community?) will say something racist. Also is Chelsy Davy a hooker? I can never tell.

I look forward to you clearing these matters up.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. If you would like me to write a regular review for ‘TV Quick’ magazine I will require £100 per word.

Dear scientists who believe in evolution

Whilst I wouldn’t necessarily say that I do not believe in evolution – I kind of get the big bang theory and I don’t buy that Adam and Eve thing – but if monkeys turned into man why are there still monkeys?

I just can’t understand a situation where a monkey would think it would need thumbs and I think they actually have an advantage over humans in terms of getting around on all fours and being pretty fast. Because if you were in a fight with a monkey, not a little one like the one in friends but a massive one like in King Kong, then you would probably lose. Which makes humans not as good.

Also, I don’t think that having no fur and needing to wear clothes is actually evolving. If you think about it properly having to MAKE clothes because you are cold should mean that, evolutionarily speaking, humans should grow fur so that we didn’t need clothes, so if anything we are probably going backwards, back into monkeys. Maybe, like the way that the universe expands and explodes etc humans evolve from monkeys and then become monkeys again. Something like that, anyway, my point is that if we evolved from monkeys then natural selection would have meant that monkeys no longer existed. But they do, so we couldn’t possibly have evolved from monkeys. Maybe humans evolved from velociraptors? I think this makes loads more sense because if you watch Jurassic park the velociraptors learn very quickly and if anything was going to decide to evolve it would be them. Monkeys seem pretty happy swinging about and having a nice time.

Recently I went to Ethiopia and I saw Lucy the ‘oldest human skeleton’ and she looked like a monkey to me.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Dear Brian Cox

Do you remember the reality tv show 'Jetsons meet the Flintstones'? Well, that is why I am writing: space and dinosaurs.

I would like to draw your attention, not to reality tv shows, but to more acclaimed documentaries, specifically star trek. So, if I am right - which I am - when you go into space or - to quote the documentary "to boldly go where no man has gone before" - it is pretty much the same as being on earth? Except in a spaceship. So it is like being on a plane, but not a rubbish one like easyjet, but one with nice air hostesses, like Singapore air. I honestly don't know why people go on about space so much, there's not really much in it and it doesn't seem like much fun. Also, if you can email from space then I don't know why you can't live there (I know an astronaut who emailed me from space).

Anyway, the real reason I need your help is because I have stumbled upon a problem with my scientific research regarding dinosaurs and, specifically, recreating them. I have recently discovered that - even though my body of work is correct - the technology does not exist to extract dinosaur DNA. Or should I say no longer exists, I assume the machines (syringe) they used in Jurassic Park were destroyed by the velociraptors when they got into the lab. Brian Cox, since you made the hadron collider I figured that you could build a dinosaur DNA extractor machine (TM).

I have just watched a doumentary where the 'scientists' said chickens are relatives of dinosaurs. This is rubbish! They look nothing like dinosaurs! But it is on channel 5 and I'm pretty sure nothing on the cutting edge of science has ever been on channel 5. I bet the hadron collider has never been on channel 5 - I bet they dont even know what it is! Ha! You, Brian Cox, have been on BB2, which is very highbrow, therefore I want you on my team.

So, in conclusion, I would like you to build the machine and then to demonstrate it to a team of scientists and the Attenboroughs. We will then have a short break where I will show scenes from the second part of the Jurassic park documentary series to demonstrate how Dinosaurs shouldn't live in a world built for humans. We will then give a lecture on 'PLANET DINOSAUR'. The planet which dinosaurs will live on - this will be practical and also make space more fun. You can pick which planet.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. I think it would be best if we present this research as a married couple.

pps. Do people call it the hard-on collider sometimes? I think thats pretty funny. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear Bob Crow

I am writing on behalf of all Londoners, human beings and, also, myself. Let me start by saying I hate you, real actual rage filled hate and I have 2 theories as to why you wreak havoc on the good, kind, miserable London commuters:

1. You are a psychopath
2. You are an escaped soul from hell

Now, when I say psychopath, I just want to be clear that I mean the definition as it was used until 1980, which was the term used for a personality disorder characterised by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct, but masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal. It is now called, as I am sure you are aware, Antisocial Personality Disorder, but that doesn’t sound as funny as ‘psychopath’ so I am sticking to that. Ok? Yah.

Further to my above point, what is a tube strike, where millions of people are trying to get across the same tiny city all at the same time, if not an abnormal lack of empathy? I bet you were tucked up at home drinking antipsychotic medicine smoothies.

I cannot for the life of me find fault with this argument, I have however come up with a second solution, just to give people a different perspective. Have you ever watched the tv show ‘Reaper’? It is about a boy called Sam, who is actually the son of the devil (this is not a relevant point) and is also a type of bounty hunter for escaped souls. You see souls that have gone to hell sometimes sneak out and wreak havoc on the world by conducting sins similar to that which led to their death. So, for example, if you had died in a fire, you come back and set fire to loads of things and with that in mind, I think you were run over by a tube, sent to hell, escaped from hell (I assume with an accomplice, as it would have taken some brain power) and are now committed to ruining all the public transport.

In addition, I have now heard a vicious rumour that you are having a strike on THE DAY OF THE ROYAL WEDDING! I honestly could not believe my eyes! And neither could Boris the buffoon Johnson! I saw it on his twitter you see. And he rides a bike! Now ordinarily I just get on the bus and whinge about what a knob you are, however, the strike on the day of the royal wedding may cause me a huge inconvenience! I was planning to get a few cans of strongbow, dress as a union jack and march around London behaving like a hooligan. Please rectify this asap.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. If you would like me to appear in a debate with you on newsnight I am available most weeknights until February.

Dear the American Government

I am writing to give you some ideas on how to avoid cables being leaked. By the way why are they called cables? It makes me think of cable tv. I remember when we had cable installed in my street, it was a right pain in the arse and the street was out of use for days! If the cables are as thick as those it's no wonder they were discovered. I don't even know where you would keep half a million cables. I suspect the white house has a lot of storage space though.


Anyway, whilst I am not a spy/ government official/ white house guard I think it seems mental that you could lose all of this. Recently I lost my duty free vodka and chocolates shaped like lions but I rang up the lost property office and they had found it! And this is in LONDON - where everyone is a thief. You probably should have looked for it a bit harder and rang some lost property offices. Whilst we're on the subject of spies, a few years ago I wanted to be a spy and I downloaded an application form for a job with MI5, it said on the website that you should only tell your spouse or parents when you had applied, well, before I'd even written my name on the form I had told 17 people, so I decided it wasn't for me. Clearly the people who work for you are not as self aware as I am.

Ok, so here are my ideas:

1. Write the meeting minutes on edible paper and then eat them after they have been circulated. Some of the cables reminded me of going through our work archives and finding faxes that said 'I will meet you for a coffee at 6pm' - this is about as useful as the cable saying that George Osbourne has a high pitched voice.

2. Don't hire people who have morals. If I was asked to keep secrets about bombs and stuff I might feel guilty. I can't be sure as I have obviously not been in that situation but thinking back to the spy example, I probably couldn't. So what you should do is hire people who are absolute bastards. Maybe when you go to war next time you shouldn't kill the dictators but appoint them as the head of your secret service. I'm just putting it out there. If Stalin was still about I'd totally recommend him, he seemed like a right laugh.

3. Get some decent advisors. I would recommend Ross Kemp, who - obviously - was in the SAS, Danny Dyer, who has an enormous amount of experience of being a twat and so would probably recognise one from a hundred paces and Alan Rickman who can do mind tricks. Probably.

4. A security guard. This is key. And maybe get one of those boxes in the big yellow storage company for any cables you might have in the future. But I would recommend the edible paper. Or those self destructing tapes. They seem to have worked well in the olden days and you never had this kind of crap happening back then.

If you would like me to become a government advisor I can probably do every 3rd weekend.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Dear Father Christmas

Firstly I would like to apologise for my recent (18 years) lack of contact. I have to say that since I have stopped writing, in recent years particularly, my Christmas presents have been shit. I am hereby trying to rectify the situation.

I will tell you the reasons that I want each present so that you can make an informed decision on which ones to get me, though I would like to point out that I deserve all of them.

1. An Ian Waite 2011 calendar
Ian Waite is my number 1 favourite gay ballroom dancer. I actually love him, although he is not number 1 on my imaginary gay husbands list, John Barrowman is. If you are feeling flush I would also like a dance lesson with him which is £200. If you cannot stretch to the dance lesson I will probably start a justgiving page and ask 20 of my friends to give me a tenner.
 
2.  A JLS hoodie
I am a MASSIVE JLS fan, I own both of their books and have looked at every single picture in there (of Marvin). If you don’t mind I would prefer a green one, which is Marvin’s colour. And by prefer I mean if I get any of the other colours I will throw a massive strop and throw it in the bin. I think I deserve this because I have learnt to be much calmer this year and haven’t even stomped visibly in the office once when I haven’t got my own way! This may just be because I always get my own way... but I like to view it as self improvement.

3. A tiger
No bastard will get me a tiger. I have tried countless routes and this seems like my last option. The other day I told someone about my plan for if I get a terminal disease, which I’m sure you know is to be eaten by a tiger. They looked at me like I was demented. I had to explain that it is only if I am already on the way out and I will get someone to shoot me after I get mauled. Several of them offered to do that bit which I thought was very nice.

4. An iguana
If you can’t get me tiger, to stop me killing myself, please get me an iguana. I will call it Marvin and dress it in a tiger outfit.

5. A tiger outfit
One for me and one for Marvin the iguana. I will send you a thank you card which will be a picture of me and Marvin the iguana dressed as tigers and eating mince pies. I am almost certain iguanas like mince pies.

Thank you for your attention and I look forward to getting my presents.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Dear the lion man from the tv show 'The Lion Man'

I would like to request that I visit your sanctuary in the sun so that I can hug a tiger. There are many reasons why this is a good idea and you have let people do it before, true they were dying but I actually think that amazing experiences such as these are wasted on people who are dying, as they do not have much time to remember it.

I think tigers would like me as I have a very calming nature which can be seen when mental people like me the most and want to sit next to me.

If I had a tiger I would cuddle it and brush its hair with a special tiger brush. At christmas I would dress it in a christmas jumper and take a photo of it and send it to my friends. I would call the tiger Napoleon and teach it to wave. I would get a mini pig for it to be friends with.

I do not mind that tigers eat raw meat even though I am a vegetarian. I would not feed my tiger bacon though as he would then want to eat the mini pig. Do you remember the time you tried to make the tigers eat fish? What a massive disaster! That made me think you were a bit of a moron. That and your ponytail.

I would keep the tiger in my house but also let it go in the park for exercise. I would let it watch films such as The Jungle Book and Aladdin so that it could see other tigers.

In your theme song, which I assume you wrote, it says that tigers were 'delivered from extinction' which is very impressive. I didn't even know tigers were extinct! Though I have always suspected it was possible to bring back animals from extinction, as I have a keen interest in science, particularly stem cell research, and the Jurassic Park documentary series.

Lion man, I would like you to join my team of experts to bring back dinosaurs, and as an incentive we can also bring back sabre tooth tigers which you can then put  in your sanctuary in the sun. Though the teeth could be problematic and so you should probably take them out, which would essentially mean it just looked like a lion. Why are they called sabre tooth tigers when they are not even stripey?

When I present my case for bringing back dinosaurs, sabre tooth tigers and woolley mammoths I am going to sing your song as evidence: 'From the depths of southern Africa, the big cats they have come, delivered from extinction to a new life in the sun! One man on a mission, with ones hopes and dreams on hand, he gathered up the mighty beasts and brought them to our land. He's a lion man, doing all he can, to create a santuary and a home.' While I am singing I would like you to do a rousing dance with a tiger.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting my tiger.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. I do not mind pretending I have cancer if I can visit your sanctuary.

 

Dear people who make decisions about stem cell research and creating new life

I fail to understand how you cannot make a dinosaur. In the documentary ‘Jurassic park’ it clearly shows how you find a bug with dinosaur DNA in it and then make a dinosaur. I have been thinking about where you could implant the dinosaur baby so that it can grow. If it is a smallish dinosaur like a velociraptor you could use an ostrich, as they lay massive eggs. If it was a bigger dinosaur I am not sure as I do not know if massive dinosaurs come from eggs, I think I missed this part of the documentary. If they do not you could probably use an elephant. I think this is a good idea anyway as elephants have nice temperaments and the dinosaur might be more likely to be friendly – like when humans raise tigers and they are just like massive friendly cats (now and again this doesn’t work out and the tiger eats the person, but it is probably worth the risk). On the subject of tigers and elephants, they have both survived in both the olden days and in modern times so I see no reason why dinosaurs wouldn’t be able to manage in today’s society. For example, it is not as though we let panthers roam the streets and eat everyone is it, so as long as you keep the dinosaurs in the wild I’m pretty sure it would be alright. I recommend you talk to Richard Attenborough about this as he was in the documentary and also probably David as I bet he knows loads of stuff about dinosaurs and how best to approach one in a difficult situation.

I do understand the debates around stem cells and creating new life but if you look at it from a ‘pro-life’ angle then dinosaurs deserve a life just as much as you or I. I will be happy to do a presentation on this topic to a room full of scientists and the Attenborough’s. I almost met Richard Attenborough once, so I could probably convince him to come. I will show scenes from Jurassic Park and then give a talk.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead