Dear the American Government

I am writing to give you some ideas on how to avoid cables being leaked. By the way why are they called cables? It makes me think of cable tv. I remember when we had cable installed in my street, it was a right pain in the arse and the street was out of use for days! If the cables are as thick as those it's no wonder they were discovered. I don't even know where you would keep half a million cables. I suspect the white house has a lot of storage space though.


Anyway, whilst I am not a spy/ government official/ white house guard I think it seems mental that you could lose all of this. Recently I lost my duty free vodka and chocolates shaped like lions but I rang up the lost property office and they had found it! And this is in LONDON - where everyone is a thief. You probably should have looked for it a bit harder and rang some lost property offices. Whilst we're on the subject of spies, a few years ago I wanted to be a spy and I downloaded an application form for a job with MI5, it said on the website that you should only tell your spouse or parents when you had applied, well, before I'd even written my name on the form I had told 17 people, so I decided it wasn't for me. Clearly the people who work for you are not as self aware as I am.

Ok, so here are my ideas:

1. Write the meeting minutes on edible paper and then eat them after they have been circulated. Some of the cables reminded me of going through our work archives and finding faxes that said 'I will meet you for a coffee at 6pm' - this is about as useful as the cable saying that George Osbourne has a high pitched voice.

2. Don't hire people who have morals. If I was asked to keep secrets about bombs and stuff I might feel guilty. I can't be sure as I have obviously not been in that situation but thinking back to the spy example, I probably couldn't. So what you should do is hire people who are absolute bastards. Maybe when you go to war next time you shouldn't kill the dictators but appoint them as the head of your secret service. I'm just putting it out there. If Stalin was still about I'd totally recommend him, he seemed like a right laugh.

3. Get some decent advisors. I would recommend Ross Kemp, who - obviously - was in the SAS, Danny Dyer, who has an enormous amount of experience of being a twat and so would probably recognise one from a hundred paces and Alan Rickman who can do mind tricks. Probably.

4. A security guard. This is key. And maybe get one of those boxes in the big yellow storage company for any cables you might have in the future. But I would recommend the edible paper. Or those self destructing tapes. They seem to have worked well in the olden days and you never had this kind of crap happening back then.

If you would like me to become a government advisor I can probably do every 3rd weekend.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead