Dear Bob Crow

I am writing on behalf of all Londoners, human beings and, also, myself. Let me start by saying I hate you, real actual rage filled hate and I have 2 theories as to why you wreak havoc on the good, kind, miserable London commuters:

1. You are a psychopath
2. You are an escaped soul from hell

Now, when I say psychopath, I just want to be clear that I mean the definition as it was used until 1980, which was the term used for a personality disorder characterised by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct, but masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal. It is now called, as I am sure you are aware, Antisocial Personality Disorder, but that doesn’t sound as funny as ‘psychopath’ so I am sticking to that. Ok? Yah.

Further to my above point, what is a tube strike, where millions of people are trying to get across the same tiny city all at the same time, if not an abnormal lack of empathy? I bet you were tucked up at home drinking antipsychotic medicine smoothies.

I cannot for the life of me find fault with this argument, I have however come up with a second solution, just to give people a different perspective. Have you ever watched the tv show ‘Reaper’? It is about a boy called Sam, who is actually the son of the devil (this is not a relevant point) and is also a type of bounty hunter for escaped souls. You see souls that have gone to hell sometimes sneak out and wreak havoc on the world by conducting sins similar to that which led to their death. So, for example, if you had died in a fire, you come back and set fire to loads of things and with that in mind, I think you were run over by a tube, sent to hell, escaped from hell (I assume with an accomplice, as it would have taken some brain power) and are now committed to ruining all the public transport.

In addition, I have now heard a vicious rumour that you are having a strike on THE DAY OF THE ROYAL WEDDING! I honestly could not believe my eyes! And neither could Boris the buffoon Johnson! I saw it on his twitter you see. And he rides a bike! Now ordinarily I just get on the bus and whinge about what a knob you are, however, the strike on the day of the royal wedding may cause me a huge inconvenience! I was planning to get a few cans of strongbow, dress as a union jack and march around London behaving like a hooligan. Please rectify this asap.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. If you would like me to appear in a debate with you on newsnight I am available most weeknights until February.