Dear the lion man from the tv show 'The Lion Man'

I would like to request that I visit your sanctuary in the sun so that I can hug a tiger. There are many reasons why this is a good idea and you have let people do it before, true they were dying but I actually think that amazing experiences such as these are wasted on people who are dying, as they do not have much time to remember it.

I think tigers would like me as I have a very calming nature which can be seen when mental people like me the most and want to sit next to me.

If I had a tiger I would cuddle it and brush its hair with a special tiger brush. At christmas I would dress it in a christmas jumper and take a photo of it and send it to my friends. I would call the tiger Napoleon and teach it to wave. I would get a mini pig for it to be friends with.

I do not mind that tigers eat raw meat even though I am a vegetarian. I would not feed my tiger bacon though as he would then want to eat the mini pig. Do you remember the time you tried to make the tigers eat fish? What a massive disaster! That made me think you were a bit of a moron. That and your ponytail.

I would keep the tiger in my house but also let it go in the park for exercise. I would let it watch films such as The Jungle Book and Aladdin so that it could see other tigers.

In your theme song, which I assume you wrote, it says that tigers were 'delivered from extinction' which is very impressive. I didn't even know tigers were extinct! Though I have always suspected it was possible to bring back animals from extinction, as I have a keen interest in science, particularly stem cell research, and the Jurassic Park documentary series.

Lion man, I would like you to join my team of experts to bring back dinosaurs, and as an incentive we can also bring back sabre tooth tigers which you can then put  in your sanctuary in the sun. Though the teeth could be problematic and so you should probably take them out, which would essentially mean it just looked like a lion. Why are they called sabre tooth tigers when they are not even stripey?

When I present my case for bringing back dinosaurs, sabre tooth tigers and woolley mammoths I am going to sing your song as evidence: 'From the depths of southern Africa, the big cats they have come, delivered from extinction to a new life in the sun! One man on a mission, with ones hopes and dreams on hand, he gathered up the mighty beasts and brought them to our land. He's a lion man, doing all he can, to create a santuary and a home.' While I am singing I would like you to do a rousing dance with a tiger.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting my tiger.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. I do not mind pretending I have cancer if I can visit your sanctuary.