Firstly I would like to apologise for my recent (18 years) lack of contact. I have to say that since I have stopped writing, in recent years particularly, my Christmas presents have been shit. I am hereby trying to rectify the situation.
I will tell you the reasons that I want each present so that you can make an informed decision on which ones to get me, though I would like to point out that I deserve all of them.
1. An Ian Waite 2011 calendar
Ian Waite is my number 1 favourite gay ballroom dancer. I actually love him, although he is not number 1 on my imaginary gay husbands list, John Barrowman is. If you are feeling flush I would also like a dance lesson with him which is £200. If you cannot stretch to the dance lesson I will probably start a justgiving page and ask 20 of my friends to give me a tenner.
2. A JLS hoodie
I am a MASSIVE JLS fan, I own both of their books and have looked at every single picture in there (of Marvin). If you don’t mind I would prefer a green one, which is Marvin’s colour. And by prefer I mean if I get any of the other colours I will throw a massive strop and throw it in the bin. I think I deserve this because I have learnt to be much calmer this year and haven’t even stomped visibly in the office once when I haven’t got my own way! This may just be because I always get my own way... but I like to view it as self improvement.
3. A tiger
No bastard will get me a tiger. I have tried countless routes and this seems like my last option. The other day I told someone about my plan for if I get a terminal disease, which I’m sure you know is to be eaten by a tiger. They looked at me like I was demented. I had to explain that it is only if I am already on the way out and I will get someone to shoot me after I get mauled. Several of them offered to do that bit which I thought was very nice.
4. An iguana
If you can’t get me tiger, to stop me killing myself, please get me an iguana. I will call it Marvin and dress it in a tiger outfit.
5. A tiger outfit
One for me and one for Marvin the iguana. I will send you a thank you card which will be a picture of me and Marvin the iguana dressed as tigers and eating mince pies. I am almost certain iguanas like mince pies.
Thank you for your attention and I look forward to getting my presents.
Kind Regards,
Dr Bearhead
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