Dear Rupert Murdoch

I have a few questions about the hacking thingy.

1. Why is it called hacking? If you have a hacking cough it’s dead loud and intrusive and makes you want to punch the person coughing in the face. I think that’s why you hit people on the back when they are coughing – not to help them, but cos they are really pissing you off. And as I understand it when you hack someone’s phone line they are not meant to know? Is that right? Well you’ve ballsed up there haven’t you! What I think you should have done is employed former secret service agents – preferably ones that were sacked for some kind of misconduct – they would have done a much better job than the News of the World staff.

2. Is your wife a disgraced secret service agent? Because she has the reflexes of a ninja. When that man ‘attacked’ you with a plate of cream she was up like a shot! That was my favourite part of the show.

3. Has your son has loads of fan mail since the enquiry? I have heard rumours that people find him attractive! Personally I think that Keith Vaz was the rose amongst that bunch of old wrinkly thorns. Look at his lovely face!

 

 4. I googled hacking and it also means ‘pleasure riding: horseback riding for purely recreational purposes’ – which sounds a bit disturbing – and it says a show horse is a show hack. So does hack just mean horse? If you ask me this is ridiculous and a complete waste of my time. Why the fuck would you call a horse a hack?! If you had been contemplating these pertinent issues in the NOTW instead of hacking into dead babies emails then you wouldn’t be in this mess would you.

5. I often wonder why people continued to trust you after you invited David Cameron onto your yacht and didn’t even push him off! You could have made it look like an accident – like in the film ‘Donkey Punch’ – have you see it? It’s really good.

6. What is happening with your leg in this picture?

 

I look forward to your answers. Well... I won’t hold my breath.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Ps. Do you know if Keith Vaz is single?

Pps. Your wife is fit.