Dear Brian Cox

Do you remember the reality tv show 'Jetsons meet the Flintstones'? Well, that is why I am writing: space and dinosaurs.

I would like to draw your attention, not to reality tv shows, but to more acclaimed documentaries, specifically star trek. So, if I am right - which I am - when you go into space or - to quote the documentary "to boldly go where no man has gone before" - it is pretty much the same as being on earth? Except in a spaceship. So it is like being on a plane, but not a rubbish one like easyjet, but one with nice air hostesses, like Singapore air. I honestly don't know why people go on about space so much, there's not really much in it and it doesn't seem like much fun. Also, if you can email from space then I don't know why you can't live there (I know an astronaut who emailed me from space).

Anyway, the real reason I need your help is because I have stumbled upon a problem with my scientific research regarding dinosaurs and, specifically, recreating them. I have recently discovered that - even though my body of work is correct - the technology does not exist to extract dinosaur DNA. Or should I say no longer exists, I assume the machines (syringe) they used in Jurassic Park were destroyed by the velociraptors when they got into the lab. Brian Cox, since you made the hadron collider I figured that you could build a dinosaur DNA extractor machine (TM).

I have just watched a doumentary where the 'scientists' said chickens are relatives of dinosaurs. This is rubbish! They look nothing like dinosaurs! But it is on channel 5 and I'm pretty sure nothing on the cutting edge of science has ever been on channel 5. I bet the hadron collider has never been on channel 5 - I bet they dont even know what it is! Ha! You, Brian Cox, have been on BB2, which is very highbrow, therefore I want you on my team.

So, in conclusion, I would like you to build the machine and then to demonstrate it to a team of scientists and the Attenboroughs. We will then have a short break where I will show scenes from the second part of the Jurassic park documentary series to demonstrate how Dinosaurs shouldn't live in a world built for humans. We will then give a lecture on 'PLANET DINOSAUR'. The planet which dinosaurs will live on - this will be practical and also make space more fun. You can pick which planet.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. I think it would be best if we present this research as a married couple.

pps. Do people call it the hard-on collider sometimes? I think thats pretty funny. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear Bob Crow

I am writing on behalf of all Londoners, human beings and, also, myself. Let me start by saying I hate you, real actual rage filled hate and I have 2 theories as to why you wreak havoc on the good, kind, miserable London commuters:

1. You are a psychopath
2. You are an escaped soul from hell

Now, when I say psychopath, I just want to be clear that I mean the definition as it was used until 1980, which was the term used for a personality disorder characterised by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct, but masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal. It is now called, as I am sure you are aware, Antisocial Personality Disorder, but that doesn’t sound as funny as ‘psychopath’ so I am sticking to that. Ok? Yah.

Further to my above point, what is a tube strike, where millions of people are trying to get across the same tiny city all at the same time, if not an abnormal lack of empathy? I bet you were tucked up at home drinking antipsychotic medicine smoothies.

I cannot for the life of me find fault with this argument, I have however come up with a second solution, just to give people a different perspective. Have you ever watched the tv show ‘Reaper’? It is about a boy called Sam, who is actually the son of the devil (this is not a relevant point) and is also a type of bounty hunter for escaped souls. You see souls that have gone to hell sometimes sneak out and wreak havoc on the world by conducting sins similar to that which led to their death. So, for example, if you had died in a fire, you come back and set fire to loads of things and with that in mind, I think you were run over by a tube, sent to hell, escaped from hell (I assume with an accomplice, as it would have taken some brain power) and are now committed to ruining all the public transport.

In addition, I have now heard a vicious rumour that you are having a strike on THE DAY OF THE ROYAL WEDDING! I honestly could not believe my eyes! And neither could Boris the buffoon Johnson! I saw it on his twitter you see. And he rides a bike! Now ordinarily I just get on the bus and whinge about what a knob you are, however, the strike on the day of the royal wedding may cause me a huge inconvenience! I was planning to get a few cans of strongbow, dress as a union jack and march around London behaving like a hooligan. Please rectify this asap.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. If you would like me to appear in a debate with you on newsnight I am available most weeknights until February.

Dear the American Government

I am writing to give you some ideas on how to avoid cables being leaked. By the way why are they called cables? It makes me think of cable tv. I remember when we had cable installed in my street, it was a right pain in the arse and the street was out of use for days! If the cables are as thick as those it's no wonder they were discovered. I don't even know where you would keep half a million cables. I suspect the white house has a lot of storage space though.


Anyway, whilst I am not a spy/ government official/ white house guard I think it seems mental that you could lose all of this. Recently I lost my duty free vodka and chocolates shaped like lions but I rang up the lost property office and they had found it! And this is in LONDON - where everyone is a thief. You probably should have looked for it a bit harder and rang some lost property offices. Whilst we're on the subject of spies, a few years ago I wanted to be a spy and I downloaded an application form for a job with MI5, it said on the website that you should only tell your spouse or parents when you had applied, well, before I'd even written my name on the form I had told 17 people, so I decided it wasn't for me. Clearly the people who work for you are not as self aware as I am.

Ok, so here are my ideas:

1. Write the meeting minutes on edible paper and then eat them after they have been circulated. Some of the cables reminded me of going through our work archives and finding faxes that said 'I will meet you for a coffee at 6pm' - this is about as useful as the cable saying that George Osbourne has a high pitched voice.

2. Don't hire people who have morals. If I was asked to keep secrets about bombs and stuff I might feel guilty. I can't be sure as I have obviously not been in that situation but thinking back to the spy example, I probably couldn't. So what you should do is hire people who are absolute bastards. Maybe when you go to war next time you shouldn't kill the dictators but appoint them as the head of your secret service. I'm just putting it out there. If Stalin was still about I'd totally recommend him, he seemed like a right laugh.

3. Get some decent advisors. I would recommend Ross Kemp, who - obviously - was in the SAS, Danny Dyer, who has an enormous amount of experience of being a twat and so would probably recognise one from a hundred paces and Alan Rickman who can do mind tricks. Probably.

4. A security guard. This is key. And maybe get one of those boxes in the big yellow storage company for any cables you might have in the future. But I would recommend the edible paper. Or those self destructing tapes. They seem to have worked well in the olden days and you never had this kind of crap happening back then.

If you would like me to become a government advisor I can probably do every 3rd weekend.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Dear Father Christmas

Firstly I would like to apologise for my recent (18 years) lack of contact. I have to say that since I have stopped writing, in recent years particularly, my Christmas presents have been shit. I am hereby trying to rectify the situation.

I will tell you the reasons that I want each present so that you can make an informed decision on which ones to get me, though I would like to point out that I deserve all of them.

1. An Ian Waite 2011 calendar
Ian Waite is my number 1 favourite gay ballroom dancer. I actually love him, although he is not number 1 on my imaginary gay husbands list, John Barrowman is. If you are feeling flush I would also like a dance lesson with him which is £200. If you cannot stretch to the dance lesson I will probably start a justgiving page and ask 20 of my friends to give me a tenner.
 
2.  A JLS hoodie
I am a MASSIVE JLS fan, I own both of their books and have looked at every single picture in there (of Marvin). If you don’t mind I would prefer a green one, which is Marvin’s colour. And by prefer I mean if I get any of the other colours I will throw a massive strop and throw it in the bin. I think I deserve this because I have learnt to be much calmer this year and haven’t even stomped visibly in the office once when I haven’t got my own way! This may just be because I always get my own way... but I like to view it as self improvement.

3. A tiger
No bastard will get me a tiger. I have tried countless routes and this seems like my last option. The other day I told someone about my plan for if I get a terminal disease, which I’m sure you know is to be eaten by a tiger. They looked at me like I was demented. I had to explain that it is only if I am already on the way out and I will get someone to shoot me after I get mauled. Several of them offered to do that bit which I thought was very nice.

4. An iguana
If you can’t get me tiger, to stop me killing myself, please get me an iguana. I will call it Marvin and dress it in a tiger outfit.

5. A tiger outfit
One for me and one for Marvin the iguana. I will send you a thank you card which will be a picture of me and Marvin the iguana dressed as tigers and eating mince pies. I am almost certain iguanas like mince pies.

Thank you for your attention and I look forward to getting my presents.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

Dear the lion man from the tv show 'The Lion Man'

I would like to request that I visit your sanctuary in the sun so that I can hug a tiger. There are many reasons why this is a good idea and you have let people do it before, true they were dying but I actually think that amazing experiences such as these are wasted on people who are dying, as they do not have much time to remember it.

I think tigers would like me as I have a very calming nature which can be seen when mental people like me the most and want to sit next to me.

If I had a tiger I would cuddle it and brush its hair with a special tiger brush. At christmas I would dress it in a christmas jumper and take a photo of it and send it to my friends. I would call the tiger Napoleon and teach it to wave. I would get a mini pig for it to be friends with.

I do not mind that tigers eat raw meat even though I am a vegetarian. I would not feed my tiger bacon though as he would then want to eat the mini pig. Do you remember the time you tried to make the tigers eat fish? What a massive disaster! That made me think you were a bit of a moron. That and your ponytail.

I would keep the tiger in my house but also let it go in the park for exercise. I would let it watch films such as The Jungle Book and Aladdin so that it could see other tigers.

In your theme song, which I assume you wrote, it says that tigers were 'delivered from extinction' which is very impressive. I didn't even know tigers were extinct! Though I have always suspected it was possible to bring back animals from extinction, as I have a keen interest in science, particularly stem cell research, and the Jurassic Park documentary series.

Lion man, I would like you to join my team of experts to bring back dinosaurs, and as an incentive we can also bring back sabre tooth tigers which you can then put  in your sanctuary in the sun. Though the teeth could be problematic and so you should probably take them out, which would essentially mean it just looked like a lion. Why are they called sabre tooth tigers when they are not even stripey?

When I present my case for bringing back dinosaurs, sabre tooth tigers and woolley mammoths I am going to sing your song as evidence: 'From the depths of southern Africa, the big cats they have come, delivered from extinction to a new life in the sun! One man on a mission, with ones hopes and dreams on hand, he gathered up the mighty beasts and brought them to our land. He's a lion man, doing all he can, to create a santuary and a home.' While I am singing I would like you to do a rousing dance with a tiger.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting my tiger.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead

ps. I do not mind pretending I have cancer if I can visit your sanctuary.

 

Dear people who make decisions about stem cell research and creating new life

I fail to understand how you cannot make a dinosaur. In the documentary ‘Jurassic park’ it clearly shows how you find a bug with dinosaur DNA in it and then make a dinosaur. I have been thinking about where you could implant the dinosaur baby so that it can grow. If it is a smallish dinosaur like a velociraptor you could use an ostrich, as they lay massive eggs. If it was a bigger dinosaur I am not sure as I do not know if massive dinosaurs come from eggs, I think I missed this part of the documentary. If they do not you could probably use an elephant. I think this is a good idea anyway as elephants have nice temperaments and the dinosaur might be more likely to be friendly – like when humans raise tigers and they are just like massive friendly cats (now and again this doesn’t work out and the tiger eats the person, but it is probably worth the risk). On the subject of tigers and elephants, they have both survived in both the olden days and in modern times so I see no reason why dinosaurs wouldn’t be able to manage in today’s society. For example, it is not as though we let panthers roam the streets and eat everyone is it, so as long as you keep the dinosaurs in the wild I’m pretty sure it would be alright. I recommend you talk to Richard Attenborough about this as he was in the documentary and also probably David as I bet he knows loads of stuff about dinosaurs and how best to approach one in a difficult situation.

I do understand the debates around stem cells and creating new life but if you look at it from a ‘pro-life’ angle then dinosaurs deserve a life just as much as you or I. I will be happy to do a presentation on this topic to a room full of scientists and the Attenborough’s. I almost met Richard Attenborough once, so I could probably convince him to come. I will show scenes from Jurassic Park and then give a talk.

Kind Regards,

Dr Bearhead